A choice in the matter

If there are few things that bind the human race together in a common ground, one of those things would be that we have all been through pain, many if not  all had our hearts broken by those in whom we trusted and placed our highest regards, those who haven’t endured this undoubtedly will at some point in their existence. I am confident that the majority of the human race has been both the heart breaker and the person who has their heart broken. These roles switch through time and circumstance but they are most common in all my limited experience.

                It is also my experience that what makes us different from each other is how we handle these moments of pain and heartbreak. I have read, experienced and learned from the entire spectrum of these reactions. I have hated on, despised, loathed, written off and allowed other’s actions to cripple me to a point very near death both literal and figurative. In all the things that I’ve learned I can tell you one truth that will remain truth in spite of me saying it, and in spite of anyone reading this believing it. We are beings who very much have the choice to allow ourselves to be changed by our circumstances for better or for worse. I have spewed plenty of negativity in my life, intentionally and unintentionally and I see now that all of it was a complete waste of time. 

                As much as this is a general statement it is also meant for specific situations and people. I am being held accountable in a few people’s minds for mistakes I have both made and other mistakes that were merely conjured up in the minds and hearts of confused and misdirected people. This paragraph goes out to you few people. Let go of what you think I did because any misunderstandings I caused have been more than atoned for by your constant vocalization of your hatred or distaste for me. If you want to remain unhappy and taking that out on me, I will not judge you. I will not even be frustrated with you but I can promise you, it is only yourself that you are hurting. For your sake more than for mine, let go of the pain and darkness by forgiving both the perceived and that which is reality. There is not enough time left in any of our lives to hold on to the pain that thwarts us from having less than beautiful lives. Know that I am sorry for any pain I’ve caused, and I just like you stand in need of forgiveness. Hatchets can and should be buried, or turned into tools of building and strengthening.        

                One of my favorite quotes is as follows “Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil-The silent unconscious, unseen influence in his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be. Life is a state of constant radiation and absorption; to exist is to radiate; to exist is to be the recipient of radiation. Man cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. He cannot evade the responsibility by saying it is an unconscious influence. He can select the qualities that he will permit to be radiated. He can select calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility and make them vitally active in his character- and by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.”
                Although I cannot pretend I am flawless at this attempt I can say that these words are a very real part of how I try to live my life. I choose to, with every drop of energy I can radiate positivity into the world that I live in. I invite everyone to do the same. Let drops in the bucket become a flood of positive and helpful energy. This will be so much better than falling into an eye for an eye mentality, where we all end up blind.

My Angel Mother?

Reflecting on all the years gone past that I can remember even slightly I can honestly say that so much of the good, so much of the joyful and so many of the beautiful experiences I have had in my almost 33 years is either directly connected or revolves solely around my mother. One of my favorite quotes heard in reference to Mother’s day is from Abraham Lincoln he said “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” I too, owe so much of what I am and the hopes and dreams I have to my Mother. The past six and a half months of my life have been among the most difficult I have ever experienced. It is impossible to describe the pain, and sadness that comes with not seeing my children for almost 7 months now. Every day I strive hard to keep proper perspective and give Breanna and Payton my best from 2700 miles away.

Much of my strength comes from not only the comfort of my angel Mother, but from her example as well. Without going into detail I know that one of the hardest things she ever had to do was to allow my two younger brothers to live in foster care. She knew it they would be happier and would enjoy a better life in the capable and worthy hands of great foster parents. I know now, at least a little taste of how hard that must have been. I have begun to understand just how much of a sacrifice she made, so that Nathaniel and Lehi could have what was best for them. That pain I have become accustomed to, that sense of deep longing and emptiness that sits in the corner of my mind every day I go without seeing the two most amazing people in my entire existence, has helped me understand just how amazing my own Mother truly is. I know that this is only one of many instances in which my mother has been an example of true love, and undying devotion, but for now, this is my favorite. Her ability to smile, and love she so deeply felt and so powerfully gave, through such incredible adversity has forever given me an example of the kind of person I hope to be. No gift I could possibly give, no words I could possibly express can begin to give proper thanks for the kind of Mother I have been blessed to be born to.

I saw a movie once that speculated that one possible way that our final accounting of this life could go, will be much like a hearing in court. Where we are our own witness and we share what we did right and wrong. We meet face to face with a loving God who lovingly asks what we did with what we were given. In this movie there were people who the protagonist had helped throughout his lifetime, people he had touched in a meaningful way and these people advocated for the individual, stating that he was a great person. Essentially they were witnesses to his good character. If there truly is any such event in the next life, I will fight to be one of the defenses key witnesses to the fact that my Mother is much more than just an angel, I will attest that she deserves to have the angels at her charge. I love you dearly Momma. You are such an important part of the foundation that keeps my house from crumbling. Happy Mother’s Day!

Love,

                        Jear Bear